Failing as a mum

Today has been one of those days were I feel like I’ve failed as a mum. Not because I’ve done anything in particular, just because I feel like I haven’t done enough. I’ve woken up after being up 5 times through the night feeding (welcome to our lives four month sleep regression). I’m totally physically and mentally exhausted, alex has left for work and it’s just me and bea. I’m praying and hoping that at 8am I can trick her into thinking it’s still night time and going back to sleep for another hour. No. Instead she whinges and talks for England just enough to make me pick her up and get out of bed. I’m struggling, like really struggling to even keep my eyes open let alone entertain a baby. Unfortunately I think the teething process has started up again, and what can only be described as a cat howling are the sounds that Bea is making. I feel for her I really do, I mean when my wisdom teeth came through I felt like the world was ending. That was only four teeth! This poor gal has a whole mouth about to erupt. Parenting requires one thing, patience. Anyone who knows me will realise this is something I lack, whether it’s sitting in traffic or queuing to pay. Unfortunately you don’t have a choice as a parent, patience has to be there because you’re not waiting for a stranger, you are waiting for someone you love with every bone in your body. Today I lacked patience. I tried so hard not to break down every time Bea whinged and cried. I felt awful for putting her in her swing whilst I sat on the sofa in tears, I know it’s just a phase. I know it’s the lack of sleep over the last 2 weeks but somewhere in you’re mind you always think about the big PD word. I mean you sit and wonder “maybe I shouldn’t feel like this?” “Am I not coping?” “How do other people feel so happy all the time?”. The truth being is I am normally happy, but days like today test you as not only a person, a mother, a carer and a partner. Thankfully I managed to get Bea down for a nap at 11, for 2 WHOLE HOURS. (Even if she was attached to the boob, in my bed) it was glorious and just what we both needed. Once waking we spent the rest of our day waiting for daddy to come home. I spent hours trying to entertain her whilst attempting to eat and sit down. All I wanted was a bloody cup of tea! Today I felt like I failed, I felt like I achieved nothing, I felt like I couldn’t help Bea when she was in pain, I couldn’t tidy the house and do the washing up. I felt like I didn’t get to take Bea out anywhere and let her see the world. I felt like I allowed my patience and composure to slip which made me feel like a terrible mum. It’s something you can never understand before becoming a parent, and something that even as a parent you never really do. I just hope I’m not the only one out there who has “these” days. I’m hoping that I’m not the only one who feels like they failed at parenting today. C.

#failedparenting #mumlife

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